i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
