If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Your cock deserves a montage
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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