just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
