lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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