tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
