Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
