it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
