I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
