i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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