Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
