drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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