i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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