i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
