i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
