You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
