I will die if light touches me.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
