I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
