I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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