I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
