my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
