I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
