Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
