I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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