My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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