so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
