He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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