Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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