That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
