the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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