I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
