Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
foreskin is a definite game changer
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
