hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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