I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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