i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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