Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just pee around me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
