Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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