Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
