You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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