He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
