I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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