So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
