mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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