if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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