He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
