oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
