This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
