In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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