She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
