i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
