he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
